My Bones Remind Me

Most people don't know this about me,

but I have carried a chronic nervousness

that never left my bones.

As long as I can remember,

there has been a fatigue in my cells,

a hum beneath my skin

I could never quite brush off.

I remember it from so young.

Be tolerable, 

my mind would whisper.

In every room.

In every moment I endured.

That voice controlled everything

my actions,

my reactions,

my thoughts,

my movements.

It lived in my bones.

And when I wanted to take up space,

when I wanted to be seen,

I realized I didn’t even know

what tolerable meant.

So I stayed silent.

I blended into walls.

I learned how to disappear

so no one would notice me

just so I could be acceptable.

I silenced myself.

I became afraid to move.

But when I stayed still,

I was deemed useless.

So I learned early on:

Be tolerable. Be useful.

I studied it.

Researched it.

Mastered it.

Until eventually,

it wasn’t just survival,

it was my entire personality.

My bones thanked me.

The nervousness quieted just enough

for me to function again.

But growing older changes the rules.

It was no longer that simple.

And I was forced to unravel

the perfectly crafted remedy

I had built to soothe my aching bones.

And wow,

what a domino effect that can have.

Because now, I own and operate

two successful,dare I say,businesses.

I live a basic, still-poor,

but beautifully functional life

I never thought I would live.

I wake up each morning

and drive a car so unbelievably reliable

to a store that I OWN,

a place that serves the very community

that once carried me.

And together,

we fill the gaps I was once left in.

Every day,

I cry tears of joy.

Because even now,

I still have bad days

even weeks

when my bones remind me

that the nervousness never fully leaves.

But I am no longer afraid to speak about it.

To name it.

To stop hiding it.

What once kept me in the dark,

ashamed and embarrassed,

has taught me something sacred:

even successful people

carry anxiety.

And while I once let it control me

believing it would always live inside my bones

I’ve learned that living out my dreams

is the very medicine my bones were craving.

I thank God every day

for leading the way.

So I can say this with confidence:

someday,

it will go away.

And even if you can’t see it,

even if it goes unnoticed;

It lives on the inside.

And sometimes,

my bones still remind me.